ZOLTAN: Savior of Middle Earth

This is part of a series of guest writers telling the story of Zoltan. Together, we shall assemble the most extensive Zoltan litergy on the world wide web.

Special by Chun Li,

Ok so how about this one time ZOLTAN was wandering around Mount Doom and Frodo was all like, "never mind I'm a little halfling weakling and I'm totally going to keep the ring for myself" and Gollum was all like, "no you don't, bitch" and totally chomped down on his finger and the Sunbelt ref was all "no flag on the play" and then ZOLTAN was totally like "this is lame" and called down his minions and while the minions were tearing and devouring the guts of the Sunbelt ref, Zoltan drew back his mighty leg and kicked Gollum into the fire, thereby saving Middlearth.

ZOLTAN's First Word;
Mrs. Mesko was sitting in her rocking chair in Olde Romania, knitting a suit of chain mail for her six month old son. In his crib, Zoltan was sucking on his blood pacifier and meditating on the mobile above him. The rotating circles and animals and rainbows made him think of the enemies he would one day PUNTINATE, and so with a mighty effort he stood up in his crib, drew a deep breath and roared, "AWESOME!"

His mother threw him his rattle and he raised that in the air, a blue rattle shaped like a scepter with a Z on the crest and he roared his second phrase, which was "GO BLUE!"

Keep the Haiku's coming, and please contribute to the ZOLTAN litergy.

ZOLTAN!!!! The Drawing Contest

Loyal readers, speaking both for myself and the other judges, thank you for your submissions to the first annual ZOLTAN!!! The Drawing Contest. If you are unfamiliar with the specifics of ZOLTAN the Puntinator, I strongly suggest you take a look this past entry. Much thanks to Benito for hosting the drawing contest on his webspace.

After several late nights, we were able to shrink the submissions into a top five. Before scrolling through the results, please take between 10 and 20 seconds to take in the majesty of ZOLTAN!!! After taking in each picture, you have to shout out ZOLTAN as loud as you can... If you don't, his minions will not be happy.

FIFTH PLACE:
LISA IS ZOLTANED!!
Submitted by Benito


What a brilliant display of ZOLTAN’s power. I mean, there are many super hero’s in the world, but name a super hero with the power to make the Mona Lisa frown? Now, who would've thought that super hero was merely a punter. ZOLTAN!!!!

FOURTH PLACE
ZOLTAN IN CHARGE
Submitted by the Red Dragon and Spilly McDrink


Wow, I never realized until I saw this picture that Zoltan went back in time and replaced Scott Baio with himself. Give him some credit, he looks a lot like Mr. Baio. But, those ciggys and sunglasses are a dead giveaway. Plus, the dragon sweater. Nice touch Zoltie. How many Vampires do you know that can carry a lead role in a series for six years!? ZOLTAN!!!!!

THIRD PLACE:
TOTALLY SWEET MORPHING ZOLTAN
Submitted by Benito

Not only is Zoltan a totally sweet Daywalker vampire, but he can morph into a Lion thing with a spiky tail. I think Michigan is saving this for the Ohio State game. ZOLTAN!!!!!

SECOND PLACE:
CLOUD THAT WON'T RAIN
by Optimus Prime

Wow! So much to love about this picture. Clearly a labor of love against the Decepticons. How about those buckets of dead bodies? Plus, the single bar face mask. Go ZOLTAN! Imagine the power to make an asteroid frown or a cloud not rain. I really like how the artist chose to show the injustice in the world by adding a picture of a Big Mean Guy. ZOLTAN!!!

FIRST PLACE:
ZOLTAN THE PUNTINATOR
by Gannon

Perfection on a canvas. ZOLTAN!!!!! Gotta love the minions surrounding Michigan Stadium.

Okay, so as promised, I'll add my own ZOLTAN drawing. You see, I made an effort, and that's the key word... effort. I've had success with Microsoft Paint drawings in the past. However, this looks more like ZOLTAN!!! the Bug Thing. Yeah... ummm... glad my fan base picked up the slack. Yeah, it's kind of a debacle. Well, without further ado, here's ZOLTAN!!! The Bug Thing:

Ummmmmmm... ZOLTAN!!!

This is hardly the end of the ZOLTAN liturgy. I mean, we're going to have stories about ZOLTAN's first day of school, ZOLTAN learning to walk, ZOLTAN learning to puntinate and ZOLTAN overthrowing Nicolae Ceausescu. Seriously, feel free to submit your own ZOLTAN story, poem, picture (just because the contest is over doesn't mean I'm done putting up pictures) or Haiku. MyDebacles is happy to host the story of the half-vampire man behind the Z.

And, the next ZOLTAN contest will be the ZOLTAN Haiku contest. Let's 5-7-5 it up. Feel free to email me Haiku's or drop them in the comments. I'll start us off with the inaugural ZOLTAN Haiku.

Crowd boos on Fourth down
He summons justice minions
All hail ZOLTAN's punt

Think of the possibilities. Submit your ZOLTAN Haiku today!!!!!!

ZOLTAN the Puntinator

Okay... in order to experience this post in all its majesty, you need to listen to the TROGDOR song. Click on the link, then click on songs, then click on TROGDOR!! You probably need to listen to the song a couple of times, and whenever they sing TROGDOR, replace it with ZOLTAN. And replace "Burninating the Peasants" with "Puntinating the 'ponents". Not to worry, all will be explained.

As everyone knows, if you're going to be a ridiculously good kicker, you need to be from another country. See the Polish Sebastian Janikowski or the Elvish Gramatica brothers. Also, if you have a totally sweet name, you have magical powers. See He-Man, Launchpad McQuack and Splinter.

Well, when you combine forces, what do you get? ZOLTAN MESKO, the Puntinator!!! Michigan has a punter on their roster named ZOLTAN MESKO. He redshirted his freshman year, probably because the coaches didn't have the gameplan ready for him yet. Yes, that's right, a gameplan for the punter. ZOLTAN will change the game.

Now, before I explain the gameplan, I'm going to have to explain his powers. From the name alone, you know ZOLTAN is no normal dude. Seriously, think about it. You're in class, and they're reading the attendance sheet.

"Katie Martin" -- "Here".
"David Melville" -- "Present".
"ZOLTAN" . Zoltan extends his fist and a being (not to worry, it's a being of justice) he summons from the underworld flies out. This being's baritone voice shakes the classroom as it blares, "ZOLTAN IS PRESENT AND READY TO LEARNINATE!!!!!"

I wish I was in that class, because I bet if it was a sub, she'd get really confused and forget where she was in the attendance and I'd tell her she left off at David Melville just so the learnination being can fly around the room again.

Also, ZOLTAN is probably a vampire. You see, he's from Romania originally and we all know he has powers. So, I'm just guessing he's a vampire. I don't know this for sure. If he isn't, it's no big deal. I suppose he could have a different source for his powers. He's wouldn’t be the full-fledged Draculaesqe evil blood sucking vampire. He's more of the Wesley Snipes good guy, bad-ass half-vampire that can dodge bullets. How do I know this? Well Wesley Snipe's Blade character can go out during the day, and I don't remember reading anything in ZOLTAN's recruiting reports that said he couldn't punt during daylight hours. So, you gotta figure he's only a halfling.

Now, just imagine the possibilities for ZOLTAN! It's fourth down, Michigan has to punt. Probably the first time ZOLTAN's sent out, people are a little unhappy that we’re punting. But, after ZOLTAN rides his glow-in-the-dark chimera onto the field, holding his mighty flaming "Z" sculpture, throws the sculpture into the ground, then the scepter disappears into his underworld minions. The minions rock the stadium and break the windows in the press box with a shout of "ZOLTAN THE PUNTINATOR!" You've gotta figure that he'll become a fan favorite. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable catching a ball he kicks. I bet it flashes in the air, and if you look really close, you can see the “Z” fade in and out.

I wonder if he's ever shanked a punt? I'd guess if he did, we'd never know. He'd just summon another ball, and kick that one so fast that it would spin around the world, go back in time and prevent the bad punt from ever happening, al la Superman I. That's technically illegal, but seriously, who's going to prove that he did it? I don't know how to prove it without a flux capacitor, 1.21 jigawatts and a Delorean. And, seriously, when was the last time you saw a Delorean?

If I'm Michigan, and I'm blowing someone out late in the game, I’m hoping we punt on second down. Hell, if I'm losing, I punt on 1st down, just to get the crowd into the game. Besides, the punt is likely to blow up whoever catches it, and that's a live ball. In some ways, it's like an onsides kick. Now, I bet the chimera, minion shtick would get old after a couple years, but not to worry. He's ZOLTAN the Puntinator. I'm sure he'd find some way to mix it up.

I hope he doesn't go pro early. Michigan football won't be the same without him.

I tried to draw a picture in Mirosoft Paint, kind of an artists depiction of what ZOLTAN will look like he will when he rides on the field with his glow-in-the-dark chimera. I figured it would help the post. Sadly, the picture looks like it was drawn by someone with my mental age. ZOLTAN kind of looks like a bee thing with a cheap plastic “Z” scepter that he got out of a “Happy Meal”. I thought about sending it to him and telling him that I was a four year old and he was my favorite player. However, he's ZOLTAN, he'd probably see through that and send his minions to laugh at me and my picture. One person laughing at you hurts enough, imagine minions. However, I am starting the first ever ZOLTAN drawing contest. If I get three submissions from the separate people, I'll post the winner's picture and show you my picture so you can laugh at me (yes I wasn't joking, he really looks like a bee and not like a half-vampire puntinator). I’m serious about the contest too.

In upcoming posts looks for:
Taco Bell 7-Layer attempt on my life
ZOLTAN contest winners
We're Dancing baby!
My Least Favorite Mid-Major: Notre Dame
Getting the Tag off My Running Shoes (when it happens. Wishful thinking perhaps)
Classic Looks: Don't forget the flowers
60 Seconds in a Minute
Nostradamus can eat my Nuts!
More Bogart Advice
Speed Debacling
Bench Clearing Orchestra Brawl
My Guardian Rubber Alligator

Debacle Index: Orange Alert