Wednesday, January 11, 2006

ZOLTAN the Puntinator

Okay... in order to experience this post in all its majesty, you need to listen to the TROGDOR song. Click on the link, then click on songs, then click on TROGDOR!! You probably need to listen to the song a couple of times, and whenever they sing TROGDOR, replace it with ZOLTAN. And replace "Burninating the Peasants" with "Puntinating the 'ponents". Not to worry, all will be explained.

As everyone knows, if you're going to be a ridiculously good kicker, you need to be from another country. See the Polish Sebastian Janikowski or the Elvish Gramatica brothers. Also, if you have a totally sweet name, you have magical powers. See He-Man, Launchpad McQuack and Splinter.

Well, when you combine forces, what do you get? ZOLTAN MESKO, the Puntinator!!! Michigan has a punter on their roster named ZOLTAN MESKO. He redshirted his freshman year, probably because the coaches didn't have the gameplan ready for him yet. Yes, that's right, a gameplan for the punter. ZOLTAN will change the game.

Now, before I explain the gameplan, I'm going to have to explain his powers. From the name alone, you know ZOLTAN is no normal dude. Seriously, think about it. You're in class, and they're reading the attendance sheet.

"Katie Martin" -- "Here".
"David Melville" -- "Present".
"ZOLTAN" . Zoltan extends his fist and a being (not to worry, it's a being of justice) he summons from the underworld flies out. This being's baritone voice shakes the classroom as it blares, "ZOLTAN IS PRESENT AND READY TO LEARNINATE!!!!!"

I wish I was in that class, because I bet if it was a sub, she'd get really confused and forget where she was in the attendance and I'd tell her she left off at David Melville just so the learnination being can fly around the room again.

Also, ZOLTAN is probably a vampire. You see, he's from Romania originally and we all know he has powers. So, I'm just guessing he's a vampire. I don't know this for sure. If he isn't, it's no big deal. I suppose he could have a different source for his powers. He's wouldn’t be the full-fledged Draculaesqe evil blood sucking vampire. He's more of the Wesley Snipes good guy, bad-ass half-vampire that can dodge bullets. How do I know this? Well Wesley Snipe's Blade character can go out during the day, and I don't remember reading anything in ZOLTAN's recruiting reports that said he couldn't punt during daylight hours. So, you gotta figure he's only a halfling.

Now, just imagine the possibilities for ZOLTAN! It's fourth down, Michigan has to punt. Probably the first time ZOLTAN's sent out, people are a little unhappy that we’re punting. But, after ZOLTAN rides his glow-in-the-dark chimera onto the field, holding his mighty flaming "Z" sculpture, throws the sculpture into the ground, then the scepter disappears into his underworld minions. The minions rock the stadium and break the windows in the press box with a shout of "ZOLTAN THE PUNTINATOR!" You've gotta figure that he'll become a fan favorite. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable catching a ball he kicks. I bet it flashes in the air, and if you look really close, you can see the “Z” fade in and out.

I wonder if he's ever shanked a punt? I'd guess if he did, we'd never know. He'd just summon another ball, and kick that one so fast that it would spin around the world, go back in time and prevent the bad punt from ever happening, al la Superman I. That's technically illegal, but seriously, who's going to prove that he did it? I don't know how to prove it without a flux capacitor, 1.21 jigawatts and a Delorean. And, seriously, when was the last time you saw a Delorean?

If I'm Michigan, and I'm blowing someone out late in the game, I’m hoping we punt on second down. Hell, if I'm losing, I punt on 1st down, just to get the crowd into the game. Besides, the punt is likely to blow up whoever catches it, and that's a live ball. In some ways, it's like an onsides kick. Now, I bet the chimera, minion shtick would get old after a couple years, but not to worry. He's ZOLTAN the Puntinator. I'm sure he'd find some way to mix it up.

I hope he doesn't go pro early. Michigan football won't be the same without him.

I tried to draw a picture in Mirosoft Paint, kind of an artists depiction of what ZOLTAN will look like he will when he rides on the field with his glow-in-the-dark chimera. I figured it would help the post. Sadly, the picture looks like it was drawn by someone with my mental age. ZOLTAN kind of looks like a bee thing with a cheap plastic “Z” scepter that he got out of a “Happy Meal”. I thought about sending it to him and telling him that I was a four year old and he was my favorite player. However, he's ZOLTAN, he'd probably see through that and send his minions to laugh at me and my picture. One person laughing at you hurts enough, imagine minions. However, I am starting the first ever ZOLTAN drawing contest. If I get three submissions from the separate people, I'll post the winner's picture and show you my picture so you can laugh at me (yes I wasn't joking, he really looks like a bee and not like a half-vampire puntinator). I’m serious about the contest too.

In upcoming posts looks for:
Taco Bell 7-Layer attempt on my life
ZOLTAN contest winners
We're Dancing baby!
My Least Favorite Mid-Major: Notre Dame
Getting the Tag off My Running Shoes (when it happens. Wishful thinking perhaps)
Classic Looks: Don't forget the flowers
60 Seconds in a Minute
Nostradamus can eat my Nuts!
More Bogart Advice
Speed Debacling
Bench Clearing Orchestra Brawl
My Guardian Rubber Alligator

Debacle Index: Orange Alert


Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope you were on drugs for most, if not all of that post...

ye said...

Pfft, drugs makes writing better. What's this "sincerely" business? As if you're so high and superior. (Unless anon is God where in that case I do "sincerely" apologize and I withdraw all contention about you being high and superior) Punters are awesome and so underrated as well as kickers. Punters are the gnomish entities with the pudgey round faces that give you good field position. Suprisingly enough not every team can muster 80 yard drives for touchdowns. So many college games this year would have been won if the kickers didn't suck. ie FSU vs Penn State. Maybe this Zoltan should learn how to throw as well. He can then be a punter/QB. Punting on third down is a concept that I get get enough of. I love the superman reference.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't be surprised if Lloyd decides to take a delay of game from his own 10 so that ZOLTAR doesn't kick it into the endzone. In addition to punting, i predict he leads the team in tackles on special teams. Because of his amazing punting abilities, he will be able to take a direct snap, punt the ball with everyone in his face, and be waiting down the field for the punt to come down so he can tackle the returner.