Sunday, December 11, 2005

I'm no MacGyver

If I could be any television character, it'd be MacGyver. For 55 minutes, his show would ramble on about some international private foundation that would go around the world helping people... I'm getting bored just thinking about it. But, for five minutes, he would draw innovation from his classic 80s mullet and build something to save the day. Be it, a defibrillator from some power cords and silver candlesticks, a bomb from swamp gas and bamboo chutes or stopping the boat carrying him to Heaven with rope and several other household objects so he could come back to life and stop the terrorists (well, that might've been when it jumped the shark). He could salvage any show, no matter how bad, by building something. Imagine the everyday uses of this ability... You're on a date, it's going bad, and using a fork, a rubber band, and your watch and a bike helmet, you build an escape pod and run away. Best superhero ever...

Well, today we learned that I am no MacGyver. I purchased some running shoes yesterday, and I took them out this morning to go running and found that they still had the security tag attached. Well, as I saw it, I had two choices, I could take the shoe back, or break off the security tag and go running. For any MacGyver fan such as myself, the choice was obvious. Besides, I had some scissors, a wine corker, a manual can opener and a Phillips screwdriver.

I quickly tried to cut through the metal wire holding the tag on... no dice, my scissors broke and the wire was in tact. I blame my mullet for getting in the way. I discarded the scissors, and attempted to use the screwdriver to break through the plastic of the tag. After approximately 45 minutes (the time it would take to get to the shoe store and back twice), I managed to break up all of the plastic except for the inner plastic piece which was much stronger.

Enter the manual can opener. Perfect size for the plastic piece. Well, it didn't work, but I didn't break it either. I'll say that's an even trade. There was a small opening on the top of the plastic, perfect for a wine corker. Well, that didn't work either....... After approximately one and a half hours of my life wasted, I still had the small plastic piece attached. I could probably run with it on. Although, if someone looked at my shoe, they'd think I'd zoinked it. I can't take it back to the shoe store, because they probably wouldn't be so happy that I destroyed their tag and didn't bring it back to them in the first place.

This is a debacle. And, I am no MacGyver. I need a Mullet of Knowledge. Starting today, I will begin growth of my Mullet of Knowledge. I'll just explain to people I'm growing a mullet to get the tag off my running shoes.

Just saw the Lions lose to the Packers... For my next post I shall rant about the Lions.

Debacle Index: Yellow Alert.
Mullet of Knowledge Index: Long way to go...


Benito said...

Well, if you were on a bad date, you could just use that rubber band to shoot her in the eye, then, while she's blinded you can make your escape. You see? you're just making it more complex than it needs to be.

The mullet sounds like a great idea, but I think you may be growing it for the wrong reasons. MacGyver got his engineering superpowers from the several seasons of experience. The mullet was in fact the source of his womanizing powers.

By the way, don't you have any wire cutters? You can get those at the dollar tree. If that doesn't work, you can always cut your shoe to pieces until the tag comes off. You can thank me for the great advice later.

Anonymous said...

Wire cutters won't work. Too small to cut the security tag.

Benito said...

Jaws of life perhaps?

missy elliot's gunt said...

you need some real tools.